So I have had this writing I am about to share with you for some time, and I have been directed by God to share this with you.  I am a bit slow…OK, a lot slow, in the obedience department, especially when it involves something I am really uncomfortable with.  Which is…most things.

So a little background first. Understand that I wrote this in one of those desperate, rare moments when I allowed my many defenses to take a break and I realized just how much I try to control all that makes up this life that God has allowed me to have. I realized how what I do in my humanness is so useless, yet I cling to it like it is the best thing ever. I realized how sad that is. I realized how totally broken I am. I wrote to God about these realizations, and we discussed it in my writing. So this is a dialogue with a holy, mighty, powerful, huge God, who in spite of all that, loves me…and sees my fear and my distress and my longing to let go. Understand that this is intensely personal, but I share it in hopes that others who can identify with where this comes from will know that they are not alone, that God is a loving and compassionate God, and that He completely understands and cares and He wants to take this from us. But we must let it go as He will not take it by force. Understand that this is raw desperation…this is my heart on paper…at 3:30am one morning a couple of months ago.

So…(deep breath) here it is.

Stop worrying.
Stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop analyzing. Stop imagining.
Running running running
So very tired
Longing. Yearning. Thirsting.
Desperate. Despairing. Ashamed.
But running still.
From what?
From everything
What’s everything?
Everything that might happen!
Gotta prepare for it!
I must stay ahead of it!
Its closing in!
Can’t you see it? It’s right there!
What’s closing in?
Again, What’s everything?
Really? How can You not know that?
Everything is…
All that is out there
In the unknown, the uncharted
The empty, never filled
Empty is bad!
Because I can’t see it!
Why do you have to see it?
I’m afraid, alright?
Alright. It’s OK.
OK. So You see that
I must fill the emptiness.
I must change empty to filled.
I fill it
With multiple scenarios of what could become reality
You know, just in case…
You get that, right?
All my hard work
All my exhausting preparation
Now I can see what might happen
So then the fear will go away.
It’s very logical…in a really sick way.
But what I see
Is only darkness and dread and cold terror
Evil lives there in that welcome environment
And calls my name and tells me
Whew. You made it. You avoided disaster again.
I’m victorious…
A victor who has no celebration, no rest, no time.
Only fear…right around the next corner.

I know. Really. I know all of this. I understand it all, and I care.
I have walked right beside you all the way.
I am here. Right here.
Please, let me take this.
I got this.
My precious, created child.
I love you. I love you.
Look up…my hands are here waiting
To lift up your head
So that you lift up your eyes
And see truth, not lies.
You are so afraid of
What is everything?

Published by laurismith88

I have always enjoyed writing. Seeing my heart on a page helps me learn about God, about life, and about me. God has called me to take this passion to the next level by sharing it. My hope is that as you read what God has laid on my heart to share, you will be positively impacted.

2 thoughts on “Everything

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: