So…I don’t usually do this. Not sure why I feel this urge to do it, but I do, so I’ve learned to follow those urges as there could be, probably is, a reason beyond my understanding. What you are about to read is my heart in its shattered state after a rare deep conversation with my son. He and I had our “adventures” during his teenage years, but God has healed our relationship and now my ongoing prayer is for him as a young man to see the love of Jesus that is for him and with him.
That One Thing
Stark cold damp
Hues of gray the only color
Ashes and debris are the remnants of the landscape
Before, there was that one thing.
Just one small piece of
Good and right.
One small, infinitely small, shred of confidence
Of reassurance at a time when it was so scarce
That small piece was dusted off
And held closely and tightly.
And in that long ago time when everything exploded gradually
In slow motion
Into chaos and confusion and overwhelming loss
It was then that I learned to cling to that one thing
Rubbing it between my fingers
To feel it and be reassured it was there.
That one thing
That I knew I would always have.
You just took that one thing
And calmly crushed it under foot
Telling me you didn’t blame me and not to feel bad.
What was small but visible
Became blended into the dirt.
No longer visible or separate or different
What I knew and longed for you to know
I still know.
But now, that longing for you to know
Is a feral cry from the depths of my mother’s heart
With no thought or understanding or order or reason
Just crying out
Please, Please show him
Illuminate the lies.
Illuminate the Truth.
You think you weren’t given a chance to choose
My intent, my reasons, my goal for your good
I wanted to show you Truth so you would see
At first sight.
You chose not to see
And you choose to see lack of choices as detrimental.
That one thing
That I cherished and remembered holding onto so tightly
When chaos and confusion reigned and swirled around me in increasing velocity
That one thing that when everything was failing I knew it had not
That one thing.
Gone with a few words.
Leaving me with empty hands and a heart overflowing with lingering sadness
Shifting and regrouping
Gathering hope and waiting.