Trying and failing. Again.
At times when I allow my mind to tread silently down that path and look
I see that others make it work
And work so beautifully
I know I should not compare
But it seems that they have that Something
That has for so long been unattainable to me.
So much is so wrong
Sometimes I feel like there is no common ground
It’s like watching Olympic gymnasts. They work hard but all spectators see is the beauty.
I work hard too. But there is no beauty to behold.
I find myself
Trying and falling down. Again.
Opening my heart
And running full on into a wall.
Falling backwards and landing in an ungraceful clumsy heap
All arms and legs in a tangle
Pulling myself together to get back up
But there is no sense of balance to help me so it’s a slow and arduous process.
This is what is. A logical statement of fact, my reality.
Oh, how I long for so much more
But all I am allowed to see is the wall.
A mighty fortress
Formidable and strong from years of reinforcement
Intense, exhausting, time consuming labor
And brilliant engineering that is unrecognized and not even known to exist
Yet I propel myself with all I have and try to break through
Throwing myself full force against the unforgiving unmoving stronghold
That keeps the real out of life.
That keeps safe distance between what can hide and what can’t.
You would think that after a while I would be immune to the pain
But it’s fresh, new, and sharp
Every. Single. Time.
It’s different now than it used to be
Current pain for current times.
I’m different now than I used to be
And I see the reality of the struggle
It’s not my struggle that matters.
My struggle is irrelevant when I choose to look upon
The whole scary incredibly sad picture.
But that truth does nothing to stop my pain.
I yearn to shift my focus like I’m supposed to
Choose supernatural joy and live that way
I pray for that. But the journey hasn’t reached that point.
I don’t know
So I just keep moving and waiting
And regrouping to take another shot at the wall.